By now, most of us have heard the news that a lot of women on dating apps are looking for a man who’s over six feet tall, makes at least a six-figure income, and is reasonably handsome. Besides being a bit shallow, I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with those starting points. In fact, these criteria provide a bit of humor. These women are looking for a knight on a white horse, a Prince Charming, though feminism taught girls to discard princes and knights 40 years ago.

I never bought into those stats about height and wealth. When my 20-year-old grandson was younger, he was worried about being short – he’s around 5’8”. I’d tell him that if he was true to himself – he’s an outgoing guy with a great sense of humor and a gift for gab – he’d have no trouble dating. Now in college, he’s seeing a delightful young woman who’s a bit taller, but from all I’ve seen and heard, they’re getting along famously.

Looks, money in the bank, a certain height: these all attract women, at least as out-of-the-gate attributes. If we do some role reversal however, if we turn the sexes around and ask men what they would regard as the starter’s gun for the race, many would cite these same qualifications, a beautiful babe with some cash in the crib.

But here’s some encouraging news, especially for the XY chromosome gang.

In a 2018 worldwide poll of 68,000 women, researchers asked, “Which trait is very important when choosing a partner?” The women then ranked various traits from most attractive to least attractive. Snagging the fifth spot was “Confidence” with 60.2%, followed by “Education” at 64.5%, and “Intelligence” coming in third at 72.3%. In second place was “Supportiveness,” with an impressive 86.5%.

Number one? That was kindness. A whopping 88.9% of woman ranked kindness as most important when choosing a partner. “Attractive body, attractive face, ambition, assertiveness, and financial security were seen as only moderately important qualities for a long-term partner,” the researchers and authors of the article note.

Combine those five attributes listed above as being important to women, and we’re well on our way to defining a gentleman.

Some have pronounced the concept of a gentleman dead and buried, a dinosaur gone to a well-deserved boneyard. They’d point out that the word gentleman has largely vanished from our vocabulary and that Jane Austen’s Mr. Darcy lives only in the pages of “Pride and Prejudice.”

These people are wrong. The gentleman only becomes obsolete if women wish it so.

That’s not conjecture on my part. Search online for “Do women want men to be gentleman?” and the AI overview pops up with this response, “Yes, most women appreciate and desire men to be gentlemen, primarily valuing respectful, considerate, and kind behavior over traditional, antiquated chivalry. A modern gentleman is seen as someone who makes people feel comfortable, shows respect, and is dependable, rather than just performing symbolic acts.”

Backing up this pronouncement from the Great Brain are any number of articles affirming the female desire for a gentleman. In “10 Reasons Why Women Would Like to Date a Gentleman,” for example, female readers are told to watch for the signposts of gentlemanly conduct like support, shared honesty, and protection, then recommends following those signs if they’re real. She next turns to men, giving them tips in chivalrous behavior with females, like learning to listen and honoring and respecting the woman you love. “By doing these things,” the author writes, “and really acting like a gentleman with complete sincerity, you can gain much of what you expected – the woman of your dreams.”

The poll mentioned earlier was cited in another article which encourages men to ditch the self-defeating standards for attracting women so many believe are real. “Ultimately, remember this: You don’t need abs or a fortune in the bank to attract a great partner,” the writer concludes. “If you’re a kind, loving person, think of this study and remind yourself that there are plenty of women out there who are hoping and praying that one day, they’ll meet someone like you. And for goodness’ sake, stop lying about your height!”

Being a gentleman doesn’t mean becoming some stuffy postmodern Victorian. It does mean dressing appropriately, carrying yourself with dignity, telling the truth whether in person or on some social media app, and showing respect and kindness to others. And here’s another point of encouragement: practicing the gentlemanly arts may or may not win the love of a woman, but it will definitely make you a better man.

Start with kindness, gentlemen, and see what happens.

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This article was made possible by The Fred & Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal.

Image credit: Unsplash