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Love Is Not Affirmation

Love Is Not Affirmation

As I’ve navigated social life in Gen Z, I’ve realized how much contemporary “love” centers on personal affirmation. We “love” others, modern thinking says, by affirming their desires and actions—by submitting ourselves to their perceptions of what is helpful and good. The social expectation today, especially in the younger generations, is to always validate others’ choices.

But actual love is much more than simple affirmation. Certainly, appropriate encouragement is often helpful, but consistently, uncritically agreeing with another’s actions and desires can easily cause more harm than good.

Affirmation as Disservice

To examine this issue, here’s a helpful thought experiment: Suppose you live in an obscure home on the east coast. The house is small and old, and your backyard overlooks the sea. There’re not many other homes for miles around, so the road to your house is unkempt and complicated. In fact, to get to the house, visitors must pass a dangerous fork in the road. One side of the fork leads to your property while the other side leads to a blind turn at the edge of a steep cliff. Everyone who takes the second fork will almost certainly end up dead.

With that in mind, is it unloving to tell your guest not to take the second fork? Or, if they do end up on that dangerous path, is it unloving to turn them back? Yes, you might be going against their wishes—perhaps they want to see the autumn trees and the blue-gray sea bordering the second road—but, ultimately, you would be saving them. In this case, affirmation is not a service; rather, affirmation would be a great disservice.

Love That Looks Like Hate

In a similar way, some forms of love don’t always feel good, at least not in the moment. Sometimes love manifests itself in uncomfortable ways, even venturing to explicitly deny the desires of the one being loved.

I’m reminded of practicing piano in middle school, an activity that often involved my mom sitting by the piano bench and guiding me slowly through each of my songs. It was long and tedious: I’d often play the wrong note, and she would have me play the measure again. She made sure I knew my pieces perfectly before she drove me to my formal weekly lesson.

At the time, I hated the monotony of practice. I’d rather have been playing outside, reading a book, baking bread—anything but that constant repetition!

Looking back now, though, I realize that my mom’s persistence in guiding me through practice helped me in substantive ways. No, she wasn’t giving me what I wanted—that would’ve harmed my musical development and kept me from competitions and recitals I could participate in later in my life. Still, she was serving me. She was doing what was best, even if she had to endure a disgruntled 10-year-old to get it. In the moment, it was challenging for the both of us, but ultimately, it was loving.

Even beyond our personal lives, we see this conflation of love appearing in the broader culture. One example is gender ideology requiring agreement and compliance with a person’s self-identified gender or sexuality in the name of “love.” Another example is the demand to call obese people healthy and not criticize their weight. Is it really loving to tell people who are morbidly obese that they are healthy? This has alarming implications for whether doctors and other professionals can speak important truths.

Love as a Meta-Virtue

A friend of mine once described love as a meta-virtue: It oversees the other virtues, and it shows itself in different ways depending on the situation. And in each situation, love protects, guards, and seeks the highest good of another. Its primary duty is not to affirm but to guide. It focuses on what is good—not within the subjective experience of the one being loved but within the objective circumstances of the world.

Though 21st century ideology has done much to erode the concept of love, we are not required to submit to this ideology. By recognizing that love does not necessitate constant affirmation, we can avoid using untruth to retain our relationships. Rather, we can seek the highest good of those around us, working to affirm or disagree with others when necessary.

Image credit: Pexels-Andrea Piacquadio



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  • Avatar
    March 17, 2023, 12:04 am

    I watched the film "The Whale" a few days ago, at some moments of the movie I thought they were going to make a point like yours, but it seems like the consensus is that the film was saying the opposite. Like the Asian woman in the film thought she was helping the fat guy by bringing him fast food everyday, but she was actually killing him. Also the daughter was trying to hurt the young man character but her actions actually saved him…

  • Avatar
    March 17, 2023, 6:41 am

    I'd like to take another look at the recalcitrant ten year old grinding out her piano practice. SHE took exception to her mum's pushing toward excellence and perfection, and thus thought to some extent that Mum did not "like" her as much as she (the girl) wanted her to do. A decade or three on that same ten year old is now thankful for the pressure brought to bear upon her "preferences". And right THERE is the rub with today's society. We've generation or three have NOT grown up, are still bogged down in the petty self-centred emotional rollercoaster of a ten year old or perhaps even younger. Thus, when "mum" insists thay DO what they ought, rebellion follows on naturally. It is so sad to see so many ten year olds in forty and sixty and eighty year old bodies. Not only are they supremely miserable they have taken upon themselves the miserable task of assuring NO ONE ELSE can not also be miserable. (not)Sorry I burned my engraved invitation to that pity party. and please don't send me another!!

    As to that imaginary houe by the sea…. I'll take it!!! Sounds marvelous. I must pose one condition, however. I get to bring my trackhoe and dump trialer when I move in. Ill spend about a week dressing the road in, up to the fork. Once done all the way to the house, I'll wander back out,fill in the nastiest potholes (at least the VW sized ones….)(or maybe I should refer to them as Prius sized ones) on the way out to the deadly cliff. There Id use te bucket and gather up a few two-man rocks and place them about three fathom back from "HAAAAAALLLPPP!!" close enough nothing bigger than a bicycle or horse could get through. Anyone sufficiently persistent to then fall off the cliff probably wanted to anyway. Or at least would have "cancelled" me for thwarting their "chosen path". I'd also figure their canceling themselves so effectively would cancel out my cancellation, and life (mine at least) would go on.

    • Avatar
      March 17, 2023, 6:51 am

      Have to come back and say I do not think the method you described for learning a musical instrument is the best. I've seen it turn so many away, it all seeming so hopeless and impossible. Besides, different people learn in different ways, and the one size does NOT fit all. I've known some remarkable teachers very ware of this and quickly learn bow each student learns best, and applies the appropriate methods to hel THAT one learn well and quickly. I've enjoyed many hours, some years back, attending "recitals"(concerts?) of her students, watching them improve by leaps and bounds each time they perform at the recitals. Years later many of those former students are now teachers of others, and in particular their own children.

  • Avatar
    Donald T. Smith
    March 17, 2023, 3:27 pm

    I will send this to each of my three kids — now in their early 30s — but without me sitting next to them, I don't think they will read it……

    • Avatar
      Matt Limarilli@Donald T. Smith
      March 20, 2023, 6:53 pm

      Just sent a message to my mom a message to say thanks for putting me in violin lessons as a kid. My memories of playing Phantom, Beauty and the Beast, Pachelbel Canon, with the orchestra are some of my most cherished memories.

      I’ve been hard on my mom for some of the times she was unjustifiably hard on me as a kid but I see now I am probably a better person for (most of)it.


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