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Nine Ways to Raise Fearful, Unhappy, and Woke Kids (Without Really Trying)

Nine Ways to Raise Fearful, Unhappy, and Woke Kids (Without Really Trying)

Some surefire tips for raising down-in-the-mouth, doom-and-gloom wokesters who understand early on that the world is a decayed mess.

Most parents want to raise children who take a positive slant on life, who enter adulthood prepared to grapple with new responsibilities, who know in their bones what it means to love and to be loved. They want children who are comfortable with themselves, who look at life as an adventure with obstacles to be overcome, and for whom despair is as foreign a word as kummerspeck, which is German for “grief bacon” and appropriately refers to weight gained while under stress.

But are these healthy goals?

Given the state of today’s world, what if these hopes and aspirations actually damage children, leaving them ill-prepared for tumult, upheaval, and a woke agenda? Would it not be better to raise youngsters who are unhappy with life, depressed like so many Americans and terrified of the future?

Here are just a few maneuvers that can help cast a storm cloud over the sunshine of childhood in this year of our trouble and turmoil.

  1. Discuss current events in front of your six-year-old. Bring up abortion, riots, and the war in Ukraine. Climate change in particular is apt to scare the pants off little Johnny and leave him in a state of terror. Knowing that the planet is going to implode because he’s been born will likely induce guilt for the remainder of his days—though that attitude may cost you grandchildren someday.
  2. Complain constantly about the high price of gas, groceries, and housing. These days, inflation is eating up our dollars like the Cookie Monster gobbling his favorite treats. Gripe about costs, and you’ll raise children who believe they are living in dire poverty. One healthy side effect of this delusion is that they may learn to pinch pennies early on and decide to make billionaires their heroes rather than actors or sports figures.
  3. Pay more attention to your cell phone than to the kids. This not-so-subtle act brings home the message that texting a friend or scrolling through social media is more important than tending to a scrapped knee or a missed homework assignment.
  4. Even better, give them access to electronic devices. Use your phone as a babysitter for hours every day. Allow them to play games on a screen rather than in the backyard, thus avoiding the dangers of mosquitoes, dirt, and falls.
  5. Best of all, allow them to take those screens to their rooms at bedtime. Here they can engage in snarky comments on social media, read about humankind going down the tubes, and stay awake into the wee hours of the morning. This fatigue alone will keep them down in the dumps during the daylight hours.
  6. Never give them chores. Don’t ask them to help with such tasks as laundry or meal preparations, either. This way, when they shamble out into the real world, they can suffer the trauma derived from the realization that no one is going to wait on them hand-and-foot.
  7. Ignore what they are learning in school. The fourth-grader exposed to critical race theory or gender identity in his classes will not only grow up depressed by society’s “injustices,” but will live in a constant state of rage as well. And he’ll have lots of company: a circle of whining friends.
  8. Expose them to today’s movie offerings. Almost every one of them is loaded with a cargo of drinking, profanity, violence, and sex. These tools steal childhood innocence, that ineffable barrier which often stands between hope and despair.
  9. Keep them away from fairy tales. Teach your children early that there are no knights on white horses or princesses wearing tiaras. These antiquated stories simply raise false expectations and guarantee future disappointment. Instead, bring them up to be liberated from illusion and dependent on no one except the government. Make the point that in the real world fairy tales are found only in books and that magic doesn’t exist.

There you have it. I’m sure inventive parents can come up with devices of their own for rearing down-in-the mouth, doom-and-gloom wokesters who understand even in their pre-school years that the world is a decayed mess. They’ll become adults, though not grownups, of course, with the requisite attitude of despondency. Rid them of a positive attitude and love of life, and you’ll be giving them full access to our current popular culture and the public square.

Onward and downward!

Image Credit: Piqsels

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  • Avatar
    Kalikiano Kalei
    May 25, 2022, 1:40 am

    One of the main reasons why children are becoming so (Choose one: depressed, disspirited, pessimistic, hopeless, suicidal, despondent, violent, obsessed with escapist fantasy, et al) is because we older, mature adults have paid entirely too much attention to what these immature little ‘proto-adults’ think and the puerile opinions they share with each other (e.g. via social media, etc.). Children…even 18, 19 or 20 year old children…are NOT, repeat NOT capable in most cases of making rational, wise and logical assessments/decisions about what life is and how to best live it. When you have multi-billion dollar corporate industries perversely catering to and encouraging that youthful naivete, P*R*E*S*T*O, QED. Social media, although a useful tool in the right hands, is for immature juveniles worse than the deadliest organophosphate poisons laced with sugar. What we REALLY need are strong parents who will make their children toe the line…or else. Not parents who either completely eschew parenting altogether or indulge the little darlings without qualification (and treat them like little adults). PS: I keep telling everyone that if I am elected the Great American Poohbah Supremo, I’ll solve everyone’s problems overnight but so far my campaign contribution coffers remain empty (go figure?!). Thanks for more wisdom shared, Jeff! [Better yet, tell parent-candidates to ‘Just say NO!’ And given the current national angst about abortion rights, I just happen to have several hundred #9 rubber lab corks I’d be happy to donate to the Zero-Growth faithful…]

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  • Avatar
    Richard Hawkins
    May 26, 2022, 11:42 pm

    There is only one worldview that offers hope and equipped to deal with reality. That is the Christian worldview and Western Civilization. There should be grief for a culture that is rotting away but understanding the evil nature of unrepentant man will not lead to despair but allow the believer to cope and contend for improvement. If a life depends upon naturalism then despair will be the only outcome from this rotting culture.

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