In my recent article “Is a Good Man Hard to Find?” I invited readers to look at some broad markers of manliness, like respect for others and for one’s self, and a chivalric code, which time and circumstance have shaped and reshaped but never completely abandoned. Now, however, I’d like to turn to some specific character traits I regard as central to being a good man.

Below in no particular order are five marks of character of a good man, gathered from experience, observation, articles written over the years, and my book, “Movies Make the Man: The Hollywood Guide to Life, Love, and Faith for Young Men.”

Self-Discipline and Self-Control

Founding fathers like George Washington, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin all stressed the importance of control and discipline both in a citizen’s personal life and in a republic. A man who constantly explodes in anger, berates opponents, or brings employees and even family members to tears by snark and sarcasm may win an argument, but loses face with most who witness his antics.

On the other hand, the man who exercises self-control, who commands his emotions or temptations – like too much food or drink – or who disciplines himself to wake at a certain hour to undertake the duties of the day, is a man worthy of notice and emulation.

Disinterestedness

In his insightful novel about the founding of a fictional college, “An Education for Our Time,” educator and writer Josiah Bunting wrote, “The College’s mission is the preparation of virtuous and disinterested citizens and leaders for the Republic.” Readers understand the need for virtuous citizens and leaders, but may be baffled by “disinterested.”

Much admired by America’s founders, this 18th century concept essentially meant putting aside one’s personal interests and thoughts of advancement and gain for a broader perspective, generally of the common good. If we look at today’s “me-first” ethos, that concept seems as dead as Dickens’ doornail. From members of Congress to activists to the man in the street, all too often either personal aggrandizement or some political agenda tops the needs of the nation.

The man who attempts to practice disinterestedness has the real advantage, both in the public and private arenas. In stepping away from his personal desires and prejudices, for example, he is able to ask honest and sincere questions of his college daughter who brings home socialism along with her laundry. He looks at the divisions created by politics among employees and investigates what’s best for the company rather than taking sides.

Humility

Standing alongside self-control and disinterestedness, which are cousins of a sort, is humility, that most misunderstood of the most important of the virtues. Some falsely equate it with a self-effacing attitude, that of a wimp given to quiet acquiescence.

Not at all.

Humility means a clear-sighted recognition of the power and limitations of one’s talents and knowledge. Discussions of climate change provide a perfect example of when humility so often goes missing. Ask the average American what climate change means, and you’ll get lots of answers, but nearly none from people who have actually studied the matter. In my own case, I don’t regard climate change as catastrophic, but when asked, I answer that I know next to nothing about the science, only that the hyperbole surrounding it and lack of consequences make me doubtful as to its danger.

Romance, Love, and Marriage

The culture wars, with gasoline and matches provided in particular from academia, have turned the old “battle of the sexes” into a bloody Mixed Martial Arts melee. Men and women now live in a world where love and romance have become battlefields rather than flower gardens.

Good men do their best to ignore these ideological, largely invented conflicts. Instead, they focus on people, in this case women, and treat them as individuals. They also recognize that men and women are different, that even in a marriage of 50 years the couple can still surprise each other – that’s the delight – mysteries always ultimately to remain unsolved, another delight.

In marriage, as I’ve touched on previously, husband and wife are partners, not opponents, a collaboration built on respect and love. Over time, in a good relationship, their domains in the household work themselves out to the happiness and satisfaction of both.

I know an entire platoon of young men who fit this bill, who honor their wives and guide their children. They are living proof that what was once the norm still exists.

 The Code

In “Movies Make the Man,” I wrote:

The code is a man’s set of principles, often quite simple and plain, shaped from his breeding, background, education, and experience. A man’s code is that set of rules which he cannot break without compromising his very soul. It is his Ten Commandments, his Constitution, the precious offering on the high altar of all that he holds real and good.

And if a man breaks that code, or begins repeatedly bending it, he “becomes a zombie, a walking slab of flesh, a ghost of himself.”

This code exists in all good men. Many of them may lack the skill to articulate it, and some may even be unaware they are living according to a code. But there it is, a ruler by which they measure others and most of all, themselves.

All these things and so much more – the classical and theological virtues, etiquette and behavior, the regard for the personhood of others – are in my eyes what make a man.

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This article was made possible by The Fred & Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal. 

Image credit: Picryl