President Donald Trump is reportedly considering offering $5,000 “baby bonuses” to first-time moms. That sum would barely cover an epidural in most American hospitals; still, monetary benefits like this may be a step in the right direction for correcting the birth dearth in this country.

Raising children in an economy where both parents are often forced to work long hours away from their children in order to pay the daycare bills and the mortgage seems like an impossibility to many, and perhaps incentives like this could help with that part.

But baby bonuses do nothing to address the largest cost of parenting – the loss of companionship and identity in parenthood, especially for mothers. Frankly, raising children in a society where children are deemed a nuisance and parents naive for having them is a lonely task.

Over 65% of parents report feelings of loneliness in their parenthood, according to a recent survey, while 38% said they had no support in their roles as a parent. Most respondents who reported feelings of isolation were moms.

To get a little autobiographical, I credit my mostly positive postpartum experience to the friends and family who gathered around my husband and I as we welcomed our son last year. From tangible help – like meal trains and childcare – to emotional companionship – like a friend’s listening ear as you unload the worries of birth and fresh parenthood – the entire experience made it clear to me that our society’s anti-child tilt has made the task of moms and dads far harder than it has to be.

Pro-natalists are often willing to endorse any number of measures for the sole reason of more babies being born – from commercial surrogacy to dystopic reproductive technology. But there’s a far simpler thing that all of us who love babies could do: think about the people in our own lives with children, especially young children, and offer them tangible help.

If you’re willing to help, but unsure what that might look like since perhaps you don’t have children of your own or were never in a community with such help as a parent yourself, let me give you a few ideas.

In my own community, every new baby’s arrival coincides with the circulation of a meal train sign-up sheet, which enables people to volunteer to bring dinner to new parents to take the stress of grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooking off their plate. It’s one of the best ways to help new moms, in my opinion, mostly because it lessens the mental load of the already sleep-deprived parents. Either start a meal train or bring a meal yourself. If you can’t cook, order takeout for the new parents.

Offering competent childcare is another great way to help parents, whether for work, a social event, a date night, or just a few hours break. Not everyone is cut out to watch a kid (if you have never changed a diaper, it’s best to find other ways to help), but if the parents are comfortable with it, take a few hours out of your month and offer your time to your friends who have children. Even the very offer of help, whether or not it is accepted, can do wonders to encourage moms and dads in their parenting.

Lastly, it is easy as a childless person to think of your time in completely different ways than parents do. Dinner parties that start at 8:30 p.m. and last-minute overnight trips are easy for a single person, but for parents, attending these events means fussy, tired children, rushed school mornings the next day, and getting a trusted babysitter on call at a moment’s notice. Thus, parents with young children usually skip out on more and more social gatherings, further exacerbating their isolation.

Making the timing and nature of social gatherings more child-friendly would make it far easier for parents to show up and receive valuable social interaction. Weddings could have tables of activities for kids, public bathrooms could have clean areas to change baby’s diapers (it took me becoming a parent myself to realize how few bathrooms actually have usable changing stations), and strangers could be far kinder and more understanding to parents who find themselves in public spaces awkwardly trying to hush a volatile toddler.

The presence of children in public spaces would help parents not feel like they are doing some culturally shunned action by raising adorable little humans who know nothing of decorum and social graces. As a personal example, when my baby was upset at church during the first few months of motherhood, I tried to put on my baby carrier while also soothing my baby as he laid on the changing table. A kind woman offered to hold my infant as I put on the carrier, chatting with me about the challenges and joys of young motherhood. It was a quick interaction, but her lack of judgment towards me and my baby buoyed my spirits considerably.

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The republication of this article is made possible by The Fred & Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal. 

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