“[F]orgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Millions of Christians make that request all the time while praying the Lord’s Prayer. That “as” is the tricky part, as it could be taken to mean that we simply forgive others and ask God to do the same for us, or more formidably, that we’re asking God to forgive us to the same extent that we forgive others.

Either way, this powerful petition puts us in the driver’s seat when granting pardon and mercy to those who have wronged us. To beg forgiveness for our sins from the Almighty while refusing to forgive others simply doesn’t work.

Yet I’ve known Christians who have deliberately and completely separated themselves from family members or friends, including the following examples:

• One man in his late 20s, despising his parents’ political affiliations, cut them dead and refused to allow them access to their grandchildren.
• A 30-something woman decided she couldn’t deal with her parents’ manipulative behavior and hasn’t spoken to them in three years.
• For a decade or more, my father and his brother refused to speak or see each other because of a business quarrel, likely reinforced by personal resentments stemming back to childhood.

Unfortunately, such estrangements are increasing across America. “Ten years ago, a parent who had not met a grandchild or had been cut out of an adult child’s life was a rarity in counseling offices like mine,” writer and therapist Paula Rinehart recalls. “Now the experience is becoming far more common.” Rinehart cites a recent YouGov poll estimating that 38% of Americans are estranged from a sibling, parent/child, or grandparent/child.

Some online influencers and therapists are encouraging this trend, so much so that this phenomenon of wall-building and broken hearts has a name: “going no-contact.” It’s part of another increasingly popular idea, “setting boundaries,” in which a family member either goes full no-contact or sets rules for contact, like only allowing grandparents visitations twice a month or talking by phone rather than face-to-face. So many people are cutting out family members “that advocates have begun a concerted effort to normalize and destigmatize the practice,” Rinehart notes. “Groups such as Stand Alone are springing up to support adults going solo into the future.”

Contrary to what we read in some online commentary, politics isn’t a primary cause for these breakups. Much more common are manipulation, lies or betrayal, conflicts and criticism over lifestyle, and anger or resentments following a divorce. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse also factor into some no-contact relationships.

In some cases, going no-contact is a necessity. Parents, for instance, may need to put up a wall of separation between their children and an alcoholic and verbally abusive grandparent. An ex-wife may want to sever all ties to a chronically angry spouse. Nor are boundaries necessarily bad. The old saying, “Never discuss religion or politics,” is a boundary. Refusing to take the bait and get hooked on your mother’s ongoing criticism of your sister is a boundary.

Yet the upward trend in severed family relationships also reflects and encourages other cultural shifts: the growth of isolation, the ongoing demolition of the family, a victim mentality, and a “Me First” attitude.

While in college more than 50 years ago, I met a self-absorbed graduate student, Larry, who often complained that his father was responsible for the messes in his life, ranging from low self-esteem to his lack of a driver’s license. Though I was only 20, Larry’s failure to take personal responsibility for his life struck me as immature and self-defeating. I thought then, and I think now, that a man in his mid-20s who’s still whining about his parents needs to grow up. No one was using terms like “victimhood” at the time, but Larry was suffering from that disease. The irony here is that so many people who claim victimhood make victims of themselves.

Another negative consequence of “going no-contact” is the example it sets for children. If you cut off your mother on account of her constant carping and criticism, you are giving a stamp of approval to no-contact that your own children may one day apply to you. “It’s a plague that can become a way of doing life,” Rinehart notes.

Interestingly, the YouGov poll reveals that large percentages of estranged relatives would in certain circumstances consider reconciliation. Nearly always, it’s up to one of the parties involved to initiate the repairs: a letter, a phone call, a message delivered via a mutual friend or relative. Is this difficult? Absolutely. And if conversation between the aggrieved parties resumes, someone will need to take the next difficult step and say aloud those two tough words, “I’m sorry.” Reconciliation is rarely easy and may require an immense amount of time and effort.

You don’t need to be a Christian, or even particularly religious, to understand the noble truth of Alexander Pope’s quote, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Forgiveness is chivalry of the soul in action.

And that’s where the mending begins.

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This article was made possible by The Fred & Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal. 

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