Anyway, here are eight tips to keep in mind once you pass 70. Some are delivered with deliberate attempts at humor because laughter remains one of the best vitamins for the aged.

1. Never look into full mirrors when stepping out of the shower. What you see there might cause anything from depression to a full cardiac arrest. Sometimes I go for months without even looking at my face, shaving and brushing my teeth and combing my hair all without really looking at myself. If vampires can do it, so can you.

2. Be at home in your body. Take for your inspiration the typical two-year-old. He walks around without a shirt, belly hanging over his diaper or underwear, blueberries smeared on his face, bits of candy plastered on his hair, hands as sticky as a honeycomb. If a squirt like this can be comfortable in his body, so can you.

3. When in public, dress up rather than down and avoid looking like some kid in high school. Put on a coat and tie for Thanksgiving dinner. Carry a cane or an umbrella, which gives you gravitas and can serve as a weapon if needed. If you work out at a gym, please, for the love of all that’s manly, wear a towel when you’re strolling around the locker area. A t-shirt wouldn’t kill you either. When on the beach, that t-shirt is de rigueur.

4. Avoid dating – or even ogling – women young enough to be your granddaughter. I don’t care if you’ve got a million bucks in the bank and drive some future version of a 911 Porsche Carrera Cabriolet. Unless true love is at play in the attraction, and if you want to maintain a shred of dignity, it’s hands off. Look, but don’t touch.

5. Tell stories from your life to the young, but think twice before you refer to your past as “the good old days.” My good old days had lots of good, but they also included racial segregation, polio, a cold war, hippie communes, Nehru jackets, Jimmy Carter, and lots of other negatives. One personal example: We used typewriters in the good old days, but you can have my laptop when you pry it from my dead, cold fingers.

6. Unless the future brings medical advances for your land down under, sooner than you think some doc will recommend a colonoscopy. Take up that offer. First, it’s a great way to detect and prevent colon cancer. Second, this procedure will bring excitement and entertainment to your otherwise humdrum life. You drink the gut cleanser, rush to the toilet every couple of hours, lose three or four pounds, and spend the next morning in a chemically-induced haze while the gastroenterologist plays Hollywood director and runs a tiny camera through your colon. He may even invite you to the screening. Alas, no popcorn for this movie.

7. As the years carry you to ripeness, it’s time to think about the coming harvest. The Covid pandemic made it abundantly clear that many people, particularly those without a religious faith, are terrified of death. Don’t let that fear gobble up the pleasures of old age. If it helps, adopt some philosophical tag to cut the Grim Reaper down to size. There’s Hemingway’s, “Try not to think about it,” for instance, which is unintentionally silly, like telling someone not to think about pink elephants, and Woody Allen’s agnostic witticism, “I do not believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” As for me, I like the lines from the movie “Gladiator”: “Death smiles at us all. All we can do is smile back.”

Whatever your thoughts, be man enough to conceal your fears from the grandkids. They’ve got enough problems these days without brooding on Grandpa’s dread of the inevitable.

8. Now, more seriously, here’s some good news about growing old. If you’re reasonably healthy, the world will once again seem a magical place. Old age offers a sort of return trip to the sensations of childhood, but much, much better, because this time you’re far more aware of the beauty in life’s fleeting moments: a sunset at the beach, the laughter of young people in the coffee shop, a book that simply blows you away.

With that appreciation comes something much grander. Just weeks before his own death, English philosopher Roger Scruton wrote, “Coming close to death you begin to know what life means, and what it means is gratitude.”

Every morning for the last few years, no matter the weather, no matter my mood, I’ve greeted the day with “Thank you, God.” I wished I’d started that habit in my younger days.

You have the chance to do better. Develop a sense of gratitude now, even if it’s just for taking part in this mystery we call life, and old age will come to you as a friend.

This article was made possible by The Fred & Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal.

Image credit: Pxhere